I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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