just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
