Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
