You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
