Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
