who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
