Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
