I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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