Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
