Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
