They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize