Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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