Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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