I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
