Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
