I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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