Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
