she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
