Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
