I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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