The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize