fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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