Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I cut my penus on the lid.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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