Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
