so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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