On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
