i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
