I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
