When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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