You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
