You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
