Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
