Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
