Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just pee around me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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