My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
