this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
