That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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