it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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