All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
