the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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