So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i think my cat just said my name.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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