There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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