Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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