It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
