he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
