I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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