I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
