so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I love having hate sex.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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