We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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