I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
we're so committed to being not committed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
