god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
