OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
