i will never coherently bang her
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
there is glitter all over my balls
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