Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
