So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
