I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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