my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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