she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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