My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
