i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
