Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish you could order shots online.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
