i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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