Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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