I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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