When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
