literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
