don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You pole danced in your parka.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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